For the past 8 years my wife and I have led a community group for our local church. The opportunity has afforded us many lessons in leading others. Last week, for example, one of the guys in the group texted me asking if we could do lunch together. I was immediately excited as I had been meaning to get to know some of the guys better outside of our two Sunday night meetings per month. But his follow-up text was cause for worry. He mentioned that he had a concern that he wanted to talk about in person. I value his relationship so I pushed for more information. A few minutes later the phone rang. After some niceties he gently informed me that, from his vantage point, I was treating other guys in the group more positively than him. Therefore, he was wondering if there was something I had against him.
This was a complete change of direction and not what I expected when I saw his first text come through. Further, I really didn't have anything against him. In fact, my feelings couldn't be more opposite of that. I admire his tenacity and willingness to dig deep, whether it’s the curriculum we are discussing or in our friendship relationship, so I wanted to take his observation very seriously.
What was occurring in our relationship was an unintended miss-communication. The signal I was sending out was either different than I thought I was sending out, failing to be received, or being interpreted incorrectly. This was the reality of the current state of our relationship to one another. The choices I had in this moment were twofold. On one hand, I could start a discussion defending what I actually meant to say. This would in all likelihood be me pointing the finger at him, and in a way blaming him for not receiving my intended message. On the other hand, I could choose to begin examining how I could communicate the message I had intended to send more effectively, thus pointing inward. While the best path forward is obvious in hindsight, it isn't always easy to enact in the moment of conflict. For example, a couple weeks ago I started complaining about a new recipe that my wife tried for dinner. It was bland, and frankly not up to par compared to our normal meals. I assumed this was as evident to her as it was to me, so I was surprised when she informed me the message my complaining was sending her was "your cooking sucks tonight." Ouch! I have a problem, don't I? It probably hurts my case even more to admit that she is pregnant right now, doesn't it? My poor husbandry aside, while this was certainly not my intended message, my careless words were unintentionally hurting the person whose cooking I rely upon on a nightly basis. This is a failure of leadership and of husbandry, so I did the only appropriate thing to do by begging for forgiveness. After sharing the couch that evening with the dog things went back to normal.
Both stories demonstrate my need to be more aware of the message I am communicating. Words, and the lack of words, can hurt. So what I have learned from these two recent experiences?
1) I need to be more aware of how effectively I am communicating the message I am intending to send.
I have blind spots. Sometimes my body language and behavior tell a different story than the words that come out of my mouth. I need to be examined in my approach to making others feel valued.
2) I need to communicate criticism to the appropriate person and I need to error on the side of grace.
Let's be honest, complaining about my wife's cooking was a foolish thing to do. After all, her cooking was one of the first things I loved about her. My issue was with the recipe, not the cook, and I should have made that abundantly clear to my wife. I could have also asked her for her thoughts on the recipe before sharing my own. Had I done so, I would have learned that she didn't like it either. I wouldn't have then needed to share any criticism whatsoever. Maybe someday I will learn.
3) When someone calls my communication into question, I should listen and make amends. The message they are hearing is valid.
In both cases above I could have spent time and energy arguing that my intended message was different than the one received. Would that argument have gotten me anywhere? I suppose there is a slight chance it would, but such an outcome wouldn't make me a more effective communicator in the long run. Plus, arguing could potentially cause more relational damage. A better question to ask is "what is the wise thing to do?" In both cases, the wise thing to do was accept that the message each individual was hearing and make amends.
I am grateful for these two experiences as they have reminded me how the lack of words, and careless words, can both hurt. I invite you to learn from my mistakes and avoid the unnecessary pitfalls. And when you don’t like your spouse’s cooking, keep your mouth shut!
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